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observing the the deep sky (Thursday, August 10, 2006 - 5:53:29 PM)
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I look up and see where I have once been.
I have floated in the sky and disapated in pleasure.
The deep sky velvety against my essense.
The wind is not blowing tonight as it has been still for many months.
There are no vibrations or cool breezes/touches, only kind memories that make me sad.
A long time ago i visted the stars; i have not been there in a very long time.
Carolaina Ferren, CEN 06
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glad that is over (Wednesday, August 9, 2006 - 6:13:41 PM)
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Glad that spell of a mourning stint is over; and it was bad, just aske Don. I could have wrestled the wicked witch of the west down with my pinkie. I have calmed down; still not happy but i am calmer... for the moment. There are some issues that are not resolve and i feel sure when some of those things are dealt with i will be more liveable with.
Meanwhile I have started tai chi again, crocheting some, and started a quilt. I packed up the paints and will try again in six months when i hopefully will get glasses.
I understand that i cannot drive but it is beginning to be a problem. I have no freedom to come and go when i chose or need to go to the stores. I am at the mercy and grace of helpful frineds and family. Last week we had a very sick cat and i called 10 people for help to get Precious to the vet; no one could . What if it had been a human child needing to go to the dr. Don took Precious to the vet the next morning; and had to go into work late.
We are both having to adjust to the new not improved me. Need to give myself some time to heal in so many ways.
The embolization has been rough; but on the good side i am not huring like i was just before the procedure and the pressure on the bladder has appeared to have ceased. My adomomnia pain is decreasing. My adomonal area feels swollan and uncomfortalbe.
My goal this week is to hem some jeans and sew quilt blocks.
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trying to be okay and brave (Thursday, August 3, 2006 - 12:36:08 PM)
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I i am going through another stint of grief big time. I am so unhappy and oh i am angre. What started out as trying to get out of the house turned into an ordeal and having to face I am not ready to do as much as i want.
I ventured out this week as a voluntteer at Wildwood in the Park the opera house in Little Rock. I helped out as adult suppervision and motivated the kids to work on their costoms. The students pracitced in the morning and in the afternoon had two hours to work on making their costoms for thier parts in the opera. Those bunch of kids are amazing. I am glad i tried to do something other than hang around my house but it really was too early for me to be ventruing out into something to do. I am spending the rest of the week recoperating.
Don was a trooper taking me to work with him. I hung out in the break/eating area Til 3 when Don would take me to the opera house. Mary who runs the opera house offered to take me to Don's office after the kids pracitce. I am thankful to Aristolte for being understanding and letting me hang out for a couple of days. It was super of Mary to take me to Don's Office after practice. So i see the good things that occure... but i am so weighted down with so much frustration and grief . I am aware of the issues and defficets, the not being normal enough, ... I know Don is tried of this too. And the ever pressings of life, stuff i took care of... now i have to ask for help... usually Don... and it is overwellming. When it is bad i find my self saying "and i lived for this" and this wish i had died. JUst to make things clear, i do not wish to die; i am alive and trying to live with that... but i really should have died. The medical field goes way to far. Yes it might have been sad if i had died... but life would have gone on and my quality of life would have been better; at least heaven is supost to be better than here. I wonder about that, is it really better.
I beging to think and dream of what i might do with my life... but reality shows me that i am not more than a lump, libility, a sick body, a scambled brain... I understand that i am little.. but something inside of me still wants dreams and goals to come true. I want to be bigger than nothing.
This is so hard for Don and I. I was so independent. i took care of myself and what needed to be done around the house/ household... and now i can do so little... He is frustrated with my need for more help to accomplish tasks and i am frutstraed by all the stuff that is left undone. The house is being keep clean thanks to the housekeeper. Thankfull we have a wonderful housekeeper and lawn care lady!!
I packed away the watercolors. I will try again in 6 months when i will hopefully we able to get glasses. I have a strong need to be creative so i am trying to make a quilt. I cut out some blocks for a dreasden plate. I think it will be forgiving enough with my cutting. I use a rottery cutter and cut out strips of the fabric to help keep the lenght of the individual peicec the same lenght.
How am i seeing; well it changed from day to day or week to week as the brain heals. The blind areas in the corners of my eyes seem stagnit. What i have discovered when i tried to look through a pair of binoulars is that i see about a cresents worth from both eyes... and the left eye is blurryer.
I am so tried of looking up words , but i do because i hate not knowing. I have lost vocabulary. I have been writing the words in a notebook. I look the words up and write out the defin beside the word. . I continue to try to read and Don reads to me. A friend gave us a supscription to Astronomy magazine and he reads the articles to me.
I have not been pracicing math so that is not impoving. I can dial the phone sometimes. We set up the phone for quick dial of friends and family...
Precious is sick; she threw up on the bed, then she threw up in the living room and then while i and a friend were doing tai chi she threw up on the potter barn rug. I went down the list of friends to see if anyone could help me take her to the vet. No one had time. So Don said he would take her in the morning. If i could drive this would not be such an ordeal. So what little energy i had this morning was spend dealing with a sick cat and cleaning up her messes and washing the comforter yet again.
And i am morning a friend. I understand that when there is change espeicial the kind that i have been though that social changed accoure too. But a long time friend has been lost through the changes. I am not who i was and i did not come out as a new and imporved version. Some people can not handle being around handicaped people, brain deffecent people, etc... Do not be to harsh in your thoughts about this person; how many of us on a daily basis go our way to befreind an handicaped person. How many of us think to help a shut in. I did here and there before my accident... but nothing commited day in day out. well now i am very commited to being brain damaged.
I am searching for a new placement and a new something. I want to be more than a brain injured person. I want to be doing something that counts, contributes, makes life fun and worth having to be here.
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singing like a Stratavarious (Friday, July 28, 2006 - 3:42:58 PM)
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Sigh of relief; I am doing much better this week. I made the bed a couple times this week and i am crocheting faster. I have put the watercolors away. I will hopefully be able to have an eye exam in another six months and get glasses. Until then i have packed up all the paper and paints. I truely hope i will be able to regain my ability to draw and paint. I hope glasses will help. I am discouraged but only put off til i get glasses in hopes that will help with the focusing. I have the need to be creative so i am going to try to do some sewing. I have been putting off triing to sew. i did not know if i still could and with the blindspots and visual issues i was hesitate to opperate a sewing machine. I choise a smiple project of mending the edge of some terry cloth towels by sewing a zigzag stich up the sides. I then hemmed the tops of terry cloth tea towles to make them ready for crocheting a topper that buttons and then can be hung up for handy use. I cut out some quilt blocks and pieced one of the dresden plates together. I am hoping to make a quilt top that is inspired by a family quilt my gramie has. I have a stash of fabric i am using from previous quilting projects.
Next week i am going to Wildwood in the park in Little Rock and volunterring at the opera day camp. Not sure what i will be doing; fill you end when i know. I had called the opera house to see about volunterring as a stage extra and got asked to help with the summer opera day camp. I am an inspiring opera singer. grin; I am looking into taking voice lessons. What i need is confedence to sing.
How many pairs of housesippers/booties have i made? 40 pairs! and more to come!
I have two prayer shawls in the works but I am not working on them very deliegently. The pray shawl minestry is not meeting for summer.
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Lost at sea. Tossed (Friday, July 14, 2006 - 7:39:16 AM)
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Fresh written poetry
A bottle tossed into the water. The bottle tossed from the hand floated to another place. It floated into a storm. The water mad with determination to destroy anything other than itself. The wave rose up with malice intent throwing itself at the bottle. It threw it with intent only to be slapped back. Is pushed it close to the dark wall and thrashed it toward the black teethed rocks. The glass shattered; its papery contents gobbled up. Soaked, sinking and would shortly be water logged then fall apart. The Arther still waits for it to be found. Wonder who will find it; Dreams of a new friendship, a lover, a change.
carolaina CEN 2006
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