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coming to terms for a momet (Friday, November 4, 2005 - 9:25:08 AM)
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I have been upset at not being abble to accomplish some everyday tasks.
I have been upset at not being able to duplicate a shawl gramie showed me how to make. I am fixated about it; finally was able to just keep crocheing on thenew one i started, but i keep thnking i am not doing it right. I want so badly to do it right. Yet what i am acomplings is i think adiquate. i will acomplish a shawl. I was thinking i wanted perfecion which i may but i thint that is not like me. I am not a perfectionsit by nature. What i realized i think is that i am not meeting my standards. Which is to do the best of my ability which is not the same right now. full of tears. I am doing the best i can right now. i am lucnky i can even crochet. I am blessed to be as well as i am.
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prisoner in my own brain (Friday, November 4, 2005 - 8:03:35 AM)
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As the days pass there is greater awareness of my limitations and they seem to be in the areas i need for everyday going about my regular life.
Counting and remembering numbers seems to be an important everyday function. I want so badly to remember how. I have some skills with numbers but i do not know at what profecenscy. It seems very low level to me.
I feel like i am losing a part of myself or perhaps i am discoveing i have lost apart of me.
I seem normal enough, everyone that has remeet me since surgey say, "You seem so normal." It is interesting what people will say to you. Well for the most part i am; i just have a little memory problem that is frustraing me.
I am scared of this helpless feeling and searching desperately for ways to cope; either by remembering or finding new ways to accomplish a task.
Grammy taught me to crochet last weekend. I still remember how to do the shell pattern of the shawl but i can not not figure out even by looking at the stiches how to start the neck. Very mad. the corocheing has been a great releaf of stress and energy. JUst keep stareing and counting the stiches trying to fiuge it out so i can start another one. Tried to just put it away and stare at the walls, as that is all there is to do.
I can not even read for long, and most print now is to small. I love to read. The library knows this well. I devour books. I am most determen to continue in my feasting on litature.
Need to get over me grippy and find someting to be thankful for. Belive me i know there is much to be thankful for, just the ones that are important to me are not on my plate right now.
I am not a prefectionist by nature. I usually just give my very best and i can live with that, but right now i am so annoyed at not being able to accoplish a task with near prefection. Demading perfecion is not pleasent to live within oneself;it is so self defeatting.
as i sit here the word predition comes to mind. I do not know if i am on the long or the short road but at any rate i am here, and desperatly looking for another path then this one, perhaps one that is less taken or is it that i am looking for a busy byway.
I am hungry this morning. 'first i had to try and find what is needed to cook breakffast. I tried to cook an egg. I acomplshed to burn my finger and the egg. So i took my meds with some milk and that consitutes breakfast.
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What would you do? (Monday, October 31, 2005 - 9:07:46 AM)
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I have several times tried to do somethings to find that i no longer know how. I know very well what i want to accomplish but enough of the puzzle peaces are missing that i can not complete the task. Simple everyday task that totally prevent the train from moving.
If you want something done you will have to pay someone to do it. If you want someone to do a good job you will have to pay twice what it is worth to get the job done.
Don has turned the house into a bacholer pad. It looks bad.. When i am better and able to move furnature again I will get this place back in lovey beuatiful placement. I am aware that i really will most likely never be able to move anything heavy. The living room is driving me nuts. I want the furnature rearranged. I was in the middle of rearranging the furnature when i became sick. I was rearranging the living room in antisipation of a new sofa. While i was in the hospital he and my cusin just pushed all the furntaure up agains the four wall. Looks like they were playing cirlce the wagon train in the livingroom.
We were also going to buy a new sofa and chair... but i think that is not going to happen... just as well as Don's chat Hob's is not declawed. The house has the sherded look. Wears on my since of order and neatenss. I am a little disapoited about not aquiring new furnature. When Don and I married we just made do with what we had; we had hopes of buying some new furnature when we were a little more established.
I tried to call some people this moring. I was unable to dial the numbers, also did not do well on some story sequcancying therapy homework. Otherwise i am trying to have a good day. I am crocheting, journaling and being chat staff to kitties Benjamin, Precous, and Hobs.
My wonderful Gramie taught me how to make a crochet shawl this weekend. I have sometthing i can do!!!! The crocheting is calming and i have a since of acomplishment. I love that my Gramie taought me how to make the shawl. I enjoy crocheing with the cheap multicolor soft threads.
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Frankansine is free to rom the house (Monday, October 24, 2005 - 9:28:48 AM)
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Dear Friends' Family and those who are courious about the brain injurey,
First I am very cognative, aware, and phsyscally normal. I will be able to go about life in a normal matter for the most part. I have some neualogial based defecets. ONe being spelling. Spell ck. and a secratary will be a must, as well as a chofer.
I have a lose of vision in the outside corner of my right eye. The Dr. said that this most likely will not come back. I have trouble with the following, spelling , telling time, reading because of the vision and neural vision discrepancy (sight of objets off and objets move merge fade) , short term memory problems (forget peoples names, can not find stuff in the huouse, do not recall that i've done something or that i've been told something, forget to take meds (wich Don is helping with) , have trouble dialing the phone, numerical sequance, math, counting money, placmetn of items in home (is sometimes like a game of seek and find} ,navegaing the internet , Logging on and off the computer, penmenship.
I know i am blessed to be alive. I am still frustrated at the restful life style i am having to participate in. Those who know me i am always busy. I miss digging in my flowerbeds which desprately need to be prepared for the winer with pancies. I have the front of the bed blanted with pink famigos and the back of the flower bed i want to plant the a row of daffadills. I have the bed set up so i have plants that will bourder the flower bed and i only have too fill in the center each new season.
I love to read but i can only read for about 10 to 15 mintues. It take a grat deal of energy to focas my eyes.
I miss my Tai Chi class. I was teaching a beginners tai chi class. I know that the tai chi heped in my recovery. It majoryl helped my balance. My vision was like looing throug vasallen but i was not scared to get around. I could see enough color and form to move about just fine. The haze has cleared up. I will need a new prescripton for glasses. The hardest part right now is the neural visual discrepancy. While i was in phsyical therapy they asked what i like to do for phsyical activity, and i said tai chi and walking.
So as part of my therapy i did my tai chi lessons. I had such nice form before the acident. I refer to the blood vessle breaking as an accedent.
I intend to return to teaching my tai chi class. I would probably be teaching it this moring but i am not allowed to drive.
Since insurace will not allow for the cognative therapy i need, i am trying to creat a study program at home that will help retran my brain. my brain is healing and it is inmportant to try and use the time to creat usefull conative maps in my brain.
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Alive like a Frankinsine experement (Thursday, October 20, 2005 - 6:37:47 PM)
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Three weeks ago my whole life changed; I had a blood vessle break in my head. The amazing thing is that I am ok and normal as is usual for me. I am a very active person and my activies are very limited, bored like a goard I am.
I had a week blood vessle in my head and when i went to move furnature around in the living room, a normal womens excerccie, the presure cause the weak vessle to rupture. Dr. Chan, an amazing Dr. saved my life and all my shoulder lenght hair.
Since i am as cognagive as i was before the insedent i am highly frustrated by my inability to prececed with life at full thratal (and that the furnature was rearranged when i returened home and the old ratie recliner that i had drug out of the house was back sitting in the living room. I want to burn that recliner.
While i was in the hospital i had a talk with myself about letting go of some stuff i am hung up on. I though that i had released my self and was going to just relax and go with the flow... but I am finding that today i have returned to sit fullly in my unrest.
I have yet to find a way to have peace with what is the focal points of my anger and now my hatred too.
my stay at the hospital was a good one. The staff are the cream of the crop. I needed to be there longer but the insureance would not allow it, nor will they pay a dime for the speciliazed therpay i need most. I am receiving speach therapy at home twice a week' at home. my speach is fine, i am just as mouthy as before. The speach therapy does cross over into some of the areas i need help. My number of sessons for speach thearpy are limed by blue cross blue shild insureance.
As you can see i have spelling issueds due to the blood vessle breaking in my head. I will be doing a gread deal of self study to try and correct these deffecets as insurance is not going to allow any progressive therapyies'
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