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i need purpose (Wednesday, April 5, 2006 - 6:15:36 PM)
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I am not a happy camper; sorry for all those who have the occasion to be around me. I am tring to stay to myself so as not to share how i feel about my new life and brain. I have been in major mourning. So mad; sad and can not find any deep gladness.
I am also so tired of people booming thier music; people play their music in their auto so loud that it vibrates everything within the neiborhood. Makes me hate music.
What am i thankful for: number one is Don, my methadist church friends; my best friends, tai chi, our little house, flowers, warm weather, chocolate, eggs over easy, ....
I am so full of tears; so full of anger; so full of life and so empty of living...
For the past couple of years i help a freind stuff easter eggs for one of her soical projects and because wo and behold i am still alive I get to help again this year; before it was just someting i did to help her out and well it was fun and i got to help without having to be involved with that social group; great group just not my kind of click; .. . this year if is so different just stuffing the plastic eggs... what before was just a sit infront of the tv and fill the eggs with a mixture of candies is now ... well harder to do. The movements to pick up the eggs , open the egg, and fill with with the candy and then close the egg; and put it in a basket is not atomatic... there is searching for how to do it; to find; to open ; to close... having to thing carefully about what needs to be done and then following through. And what was a quick afternoon job of filling 300 plastic eggs will now take me severa days because i have to rest. I can not do it all and all of it at once. I do not want to fail my freind. It some way it feels good to be doing something i have done beffore and i think i will feel good about it when i accually have acooplished filling 300 plasic egges. The movement filling the eggs is so foreign as though something was forgotten ,how it felt. I remember that i have filled plastic eggs before but it feels different this time.
When i do tai chi my right side does not feel the same as my left side movements. Some movemnts i feel are not as before; My form is not as percice. I prided myself on being very percice and exact; i wnated to teach it as pure as possible. I wanted to be a good teacher to my students.
I need purpose even in the aftermath and healing; my road to healling will be longer it seems then i first understood; even so i need purpose while i heal.
I have started to read for about an hour. I do not go far (read about 10 to 15 pages) as i must read each word and with any lenght of reading i must touch each word with my finger. I picked up some at the library novels that would motivate me to read.
The reading cost me and i have to nap for several hours.
I have not tried to sketch in weeks... but i am comforted that it is there and i know i have the means to be able to relearn.
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walls of reality (Saturday, March 25, 2006 - 5:44:52 PM)
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By nature i am an optimistic and an organized kind of happy person. Being orgainzed is statisfying and being productive is happyness. being orgainzed and produtive is narvia. As it is my life boarders on staying organized and productivity is limited to crocheing. I look the same on the outside; but the inside is changing... a good deal of me died during the accident. I can remember who i was but i am unable to be that person.
Much of my frustration today is in trying to count stiches just to knitt a simple felted wool purse. Counting is still an issue as well as tryiing to focus to read. after a few senchences the page blures and swearls and dances. i can not keep track of the number of stiches, not even three, i have to count after every few just to know if i have the right number. I can not visually understand if there are enough stiches.. i have to count every one and then count again and again....struggling to count jsut a simple sequance
of 1-2-3. This weekend i went to a yarn shop and had to aske the lady how many skens i needs for the project; because i could not do the math; I donot even understand how to make a guesstament. I understand what needs to be done but i can not do it. Something is missing in the brain to make the connections.
My head has been sore this week and i have been physically weak. I struggled to try to keep even my simple routen of making the bed and a little tai chi. ONly had one person show for tai chi this week so only did tai chi once this week... wiped out the rest of the day. Did not make the bed this week.
Perahaps i am tryig to hard. but what am i to do ... jsut sit and wait to get better... i hate not being able to be normal. What little brain normalcy i had before this accedent is gone... and i am rendered even more usuless. Angree and useless. I can not even spend the hours in books. I loved to read; devored books.
I miss reading and painting the most.
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gifts and faithfulness (Thursday, March 16, 2006 - 3:21:24 PM)
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God is so good and faithful.
I have lost weight and my coths are way to big. I have 6 pairs to gloria vanderbelt cargo pants that have a tie at the waist. They look ok since cargo pants usually are very relaxed fit. I have about a dozen tops with about half of them are for cool weather only. and i have a around 6 dressup type cothes for church and such. I bought a pair of skinny jeans. That is my wardrobe.
Well today a friend gave me four closets full of clothes that were her grandmothers. I am so thankful for the nice cloths.
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an accomplishemnt (Monday, March 13, 2006 - 12:24:40 PM)
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I was able to follow directions for knitting an I-cord. I had never made one before. It feels good to have been able to accomplish a task, especially something i had not done before. I am knitting the I-cord to go on a felted knitted purse.
http://www.blacksheepbags.com/patterns.html
http://knitting.about.com/library/blicord.htm
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my wishes (Thursday, March 9, 2006 - 2:27:07 PM)
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I want it well understood that in the advent i should have another life threating bodily malfucion that what ever it may be I want to be allowed to die. Had i had a chose and know what hell awaited on this side of living i would have never agreed to being saved. As it is i was too sick at the time to even know and those discisons where made for me. So let it be know i want no horroic efforts; let me die quitely and peacefully in the advent i have such a life threating illness and i am unaware to make such a dision as to be saved by medical efforts. It is my prefrance to be cremated and my remains at my husbands request to be buried beside him.
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